comedy by default

WARNING TRACKLIST

I’ve always loved thinking of an album tracklist as a baseball lineup.  You know, the song that sets the mood for the album is your first track, aka leadoff hitter.  Your power hits come from the 3, 4, 5 tracks, etc. and so on.

WORD OF ADVICE: Try to avoid listening to Track 9s if you live in, or are visiting, a National League city.  They will inevitably suck.  Instead, skip ahead to any Bonus Tracks included on the LP.

LYRIKAL BRAKEDOWN

“Shake Ya Ass … But Watch Yourself” - Mystikal

It’s like he’s saying “Sure, go have fun.  Just be sure to look both ways before crossing the street … and head on over to the park where all the whores are.”

…

ATTENTION ALL LOUISIANA-BASED HAIRSTYLISTS:
It’s time to get out your appointment books, because …

Mystikal is expected to be released from prison in January 2010, which, although it sounds like the distant future, is only two months from now!  Expect a battle on the charts, where he and, fellow speed-rapper, Twista will vie for America’s rapidly increasing indifference.

AN INCOMPLETE LIST OF THE TOP 25 REASONS WHY THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT FACE PAINT

1. Something about how blackface is offensive …
   (NEEDS REVISED)… I don’t really seem to be expressing much disgust.
2. Clowns are oftentimes scary, so I wouldn’t be sad to see them gone.
   Is this list only about me?
3. The band Kiss wouldn’t exist.
   I’m pretty sure everyone would agree that’s a good thing.
4. No more shirtless sports fans.
   They do use face paint on their chests, right?  I mean there’s no such thing as body paint?  Cuz the heading just says face paint and it’s too late to change that.
5. No more kids face-painting areas at carnivals/parties. 
   I hope it’s implied that instead of getting their faces painted at parties, they could get actual tattoos, which face it … are way more badass.
6. Unicorn Related?
7. Huge boost to the rapidly shrinking mask business.
   Alot of assumption here … look this up somewhere.
8. Why did I pick 25 before I began?
9. More people would be able to recognize The Ultimate Warrior around town.
   Bonus: This would probably boost sales at the Williams-Sonoma that he now works. “The Warrior Nation needs to know that a Potato Ricer will really improve the texture of your mashed potatoes simply by aerating them.” - TUW
10. Remember White Chicks?
    Well, that could have been avoided.
11. Does Make-up count?
12. Um …
13. Better for the world/Some other Eco-Friendly Green Bullshit.
    I never use the entire gallon of house paint.  I can only assume that no one else does either … Can’t we just use that?  That’s what recycling is all about, right? That and squashing your cans with that crazy plastic contraption that people without shoes use.
14. This is where the 14th one will go …
15. Remember that Nickelodeon show 15?
16. Place
17. Holders
18. A post-face-paint world would be more laid back.
    Like for instance, they make those Eye-Black stickers for football players, so no big change there.  It’s like whatever.  If there’s no face paint … we’ll just figure it out, man.  Chill out.
19. Paul Hardcastle
20. Big plans for number 20. This will be the keystone to the whole list.
21. Man the 80s were crazy.  There was a show called Jake and The Fat Man.  That probably wouldn’t go over so good today.
22. No more Jokers will have to die.
    Heath Ledger was, of course a tragedy.  But then to be followed so quickly by Jack Nicholson’s death on the set of The Bucket List.  Add to that the 1994 death of Cesar Romero via a combination of years of face-paint abuse and VERY old age … and well … something must be done to break this curse.
23. To be fair … special FX make-up is pretty cool.  I’m not really sure why I started this list.
24. Oh right, it’s 4 AM.  Check that, 5 AM.
25. Fewer “How-To Paint Faces” videos on YouTube frees up more room for things like this.

TIME WAITES FOR NO ONE ...

But I’m just not ready for songs like THIS to be on the “oldies” station.

HEY GRAMMAR POLICE ... LET ME SEE YOU'RE BADGE

All these posts of people complaining about these small grammatical errors (your/you’re, there/their/they’re, its/it’s, etc) are beginning to bother me.  Not because I don’t care about grammar, believe me I do, but because I think they are subconsciously causing me to make these very same errors at a much more frequent rate.

I mean, I clearly know all the rules.  They’re easy and simple, and I graduated from high school, college and Bee-Safe Driving School … so I know a thing or two.  But the frequency in which these rules are making appearances in my world is just to high.  So just stop it … OK, internet?

Please just let stupid people be stupid.  I mean, you’re free to judge them based solely on their grammatical usage, but it’s not your job to correct them.  The rules are out there, and should anyone want to better themselves, enlightenment is but a mouse click away.

Also … I wish Rick Astley had more hit songs because I kinda miss that whole Rickroll thing.